IT’S AN UNUSUAL LIFE
A RETROSPECTIVE AMERICAN CHRISTMAS TALE
Originally published on vandalnation.blogspot.com
1/16/2014 at 12:55 pm Eastern Daylight Time
Laid up over the recent weekend due to a recurring 25-year back ailment, owing, at least in part, to the vicissitudes of age and lifestyle, I was subjected to several days of the ubiquitous cable TV “Christmas Chick-Flick” presentations. Due to some unutterable character defect, I had an inexplicable compulsion to channel surf through the weekend, skipping over even sports programming while I “binge-watched” this corny holiday fare.
The titles and cable guide descriptions of these shows were remarkably similar and had that familiar pseudo romantic Chick-Flick “heartwarming” quality:
“MERRY IN-LAWS”
The heartwarming story of a young woman whose compassionate dedication to free Samson, a reindeer held captive in a small town Christmas exhibit, unexpectedly blossoms into a long term romantic relationship with the great beast. Initial family tension magically evaporates when they experience a Christmas spirit epiphany and come to the contemporary, yet timeless realization that ultimately, it makes no difference who (or what) you love because love conquers all.
“HOLIDAY SWITCH”
The heartwarming story of a young woman fashion designer who unexpectedly falls in love with her co-worker friend while helping him realize his lifelong dream of becoming the first openly transgender Santa Clause in a major department store. After intense and bigoted corporate resistance that threatens her job, all ends well when she receives a promotion to V.P. of Fashion for her design of the “Santa Skirt” (created for the Transgender Santa) becomes the hottest selling product of the season. After much soul searching, she comes to the timeless conclusion that the Transgender choice is not only socially acceptable, but preferable. She enthusiastically adopts his lifestyle, forming the first ever transgender Santa/Elf team. They appear live on MSNBC's Morning Joe and negotiate a seven-figure book deal from Random House.
“THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR”
The heartwarming story of a young woman attorney, the great niece of Sister Teresa, who successfully employs the 1st Amendment to battle an evil Methodist congregation seeking to prohibit a Wiccan Coven from celebrating a traditional Black Christmas when they intolerantly refuse to rent the congregation’s auditorium to the Coven. Her unexpected, last minute Christmas Eve courtroom victory is heralded as a landmark civil rights decision for religious freedom.
Okay... a little hyperbolic. But even the actual story lines of these nonsensical TV movies miss the mark and do little to conjure up any old time cozy Christmas feelings, at least for me. While it appears to be de rigueur these days to boast of an emotionally deprived childhood, claim some form of child abuse and “self esteem” issues, to my eternal shame, I am forced to admit that my childhood was reasonably normal, despite a dad who was certainly a man who marched to the beat of his own whack-job drummer and was sometimes crazier than a shithouse rat.
As a youngster, our family Christmas holiday was an extended family affair, an annual movable feast in the Detroit area that shifted from one relative’s dreary knotty pine paneled basement to the next every Christmas Eve in order to accommodate the 16 aunts, uncles, grandparents and the 43 miscreants that were my cousins. There was a Santa for the little ones and a bar for the adults who kicked off the holiday by imbibing heavily and arguing about the family tool and die business. Children, regardless of age, were supplied by their parents with a “Santa’s Helper” gift to be handed out that evening by the rent-a-Santa, a bindlestiff who worked at my Dad’s plant and whose primary qualification was the constant week-old growth of white stubble on his haggard face. It was understood by all participants that your Santa’s Helper gift was basically holiday party swag and usually not one of your “primary” Christmas morning gifts which were to be placed under the tree that evening by the “real” Santa.
These morning presents were used as a threat later that night to get all these spoiled, hyper-active monsters to go to bed, as in; “…if you don't go to sleep right this minute, I will come up there and…”, a vapidly impotent warning that inevitably would taper off into some meaningless threat of physical harm. (Many of this generation of parents, after all, had read the Dr. Spock baby book, where negative reinforcement was disparaged and actual corporal punishment of any kind was a serious no-no – and the little brats knew it. Unfortunately for me, neither of my parents or the nuns at my parochial school had even heard of the Spock book; consequences for bad behavior in my world almost always resulted in physical punishment.) The follow-up threat, however, was the clincher -- “…and Santa WILL NOT come tonight unless you go to sleep RIGHT NOW!” which always did the trick with the greedy little toadies.
These family Christmas gatherings from a half century ago flicker through my memory like a grainy old black and white home movie, most years run together like a string of laundry on a clothesline. But one Christmas Eve stands out, a mental talisman, a touchstone reminding me of an America now, for better or worse, long gone.
The year was 1962, a watershed year in America, the last year of old-time sanity -- pre-Kennedy assassination, pre-Beatles, pre-societal revolution – before the cultural tectonic plates began their ominous shift. My two brothers and I were all dressed and ready to go to that year’s bash, waiting for my dad to get home from his own annual afternoon office Christmas party where he insisted on personally handing out each bonus check to his 30-plus employees. He would usually have a few pops and then play poker with a few ambitious souls in a fruitless attempt to win back his bonus money. Like many successful men, my Pop, despite his braggadocio, was nowhere near as good a poker player as he fancied himself -- in fact he sucked. A chronic single card hunter and desperate pot chaser with a hopeless habit of drawing to inside straights, the end result was usually a substantial Christmas bonus increase for those employees who elected to play.
Now, it's important to realize in those days before video games, lap tops, i-Pads and all the electronic gear of today, simple battery operated toys were the state of the art and highly coveted as Christmas gifts; their acquisition was a serious business that required months of tactful strategy and diligent begging. That year, as all years, my mother had carefully supervised the selection of our “swag bag” gifts for the party that evening, uncharacteristically allowing my 9-year old middle brother to choose his “primary” gift as the party gift, a Remco Bulldog Tank. This was a toy complete with a cannon which fired “real” foam rubber bullets, utilizing roaring sound effects that emulated a German Wehrmacht Panzer capable of handily plowing through an average size commercial building (if the TV commercials were to be believed.) Apparently, one of our other 9-year old cousins—procreation came in such plentiful and predictable groupings in the ‘50’s that any one of us could find a half dozen cousins our own age—was also receiving the same gift and the two of them had created a war plan to destroy this year’s knotty pine basement. Parents in today’s America who allowed their young male children to play with a dangerous WMD like this would surely be reported to Family Services and find themselves sitting in jail for the holidays while the young boy was shipped off to foster care, forced to play with dolls or a finger paint set (with the caveat that no representation of any weapon could be created with any finger).
For his swag gift, my two and a half year old kid brother had chosen a toy called ODD OGG, (by Ideal toys) which, based on the image portrayed on the box, appeared to be a combination of turtle and a frog, (in fact, the advertising jingle was “ODD OGG, ODD OGG, half turtle and half frog!) This was a cute little toy that moved toward you when a rolled ball hit his ample mouth and backwards (with a razzing sound) when the roller missed the target. Several weeks before, at the direction of my mother who wanted to finish up her Christmas shopping, I had languished for an interminable hour and a half in a Santa line that wrapped around the entire ground floor of the downtown J.L. Hudson store with my kid brother. (In those simple, unsullied days in Detroit, people actually would travel to the full service downtown Hudson’s to do their shopping—of course, in those days there actually was shopping and a Hudson’s in Detroit.) After regaling me with a virtual catalog of various top-end toy choices we finally got to the Big Man himself. My brother, finally safely situated on Santa's lap incomprehensibly asked for …an ODD OGG -- a crummy $2.95 toy. Even the hired Santa gave me a look of empathetic pity that conveyed what the family had long assumed—the kid was one of those unfortunates who would invariably end up riding on the short school bus. He eventually graduated from University of Michigan with honors and went on to medical school and is today a practicing radiologist. Go figure.
My gift selection was a no-brainer. The previous March, my mom determined that I had received too many gifts for my birthday and summarily relieved me of one of them, a Tudor Electronic Football game. She then assigned the football game as my swag gift, essentially re-gifted my own gift back to me, which, in Kid-World, (or even by any measure in the far off, as yet uncontemplated Obama-World of the future) was unfair gift inequality. (I was not, however, overly concerned; my primary gift that Christmas was a dandy—a gleaming pair of brown-toed, black-booted CCM Tackaberry ice skates, the choice of every player in all six NHL teams.)
By any definition, the Tudor Electronic Football game was the most useless activity in all of toydom, the modern day equivalent of Face Book or Twitter. For the uninitiated, (those under 55) electronic football was only notionally a game. The rules, although codified in the manufacturer's literature, could never be completely understood, tactics and strategy were non-existent and participants had absolutely no control over the outcome of the "contest". Suckers who wasted a precious month of pre-Christmas shopping days coercing their parents to buy this loser---making impossible promises to diligently hit the books or committing themselves to months of voluntary servitude by performing any number of new household chores-- were sadly disappointed by mid-Christmas morning.
Participants in this electronic fraud would spend countless hours setting up miniature football player action figures on an electronic vibrating green (not to scale) gridiron to create "plays" in an effort to "...MARCH YOUR TEAM DOWNFIELD---LIKE A REAL NFL COACH!" according to the literature provided on the box. In point of fact, there was precious little marching as, at the flick of an electronic toggle switch, the little action figures scurried in every direction like Mexicans fleeing a construction site at the unexpected appearance of an INS truck. One could only watch helplessly as your Tommy McDonald wide receiver repeatedly bounced off the sideline like a dodgem car stuck in a corner as your running back would inexplicably commence to wander about aimlessly before making a bee-line for his own goal line, racing backwards until finally tipping over, flopping crazily on his side and vibrating in circles like some pathetic miniature epileptic having a seizure. This sorry excuse for a “game” would invariably end up with the participants engaged in a wild fistfight on the living room floor.
As we sat in the family room near the glimmering Christmas tree all dressed and ready to go, our evening party gifts close at hand, my father suddenly appeared through the back door leading to the garages, trailed closely by an unidentified sullen faced man with the shovel jawed, deeply furrowed brow and ruddy complexion of the classic whisky drinker. He was sporting a dirty dark blue pea coat and knit sailor’s cap and it was clear, despite the stranger’s nautical attire, neither he (nor my Dad) was totally in possession of their sea legs.
“This is Jimmy,” my Pop announced unceremoniously, red-faced from the freezing cold outside. The unmistakable fragrance of Scotch mixed with English Leather cologne filled the room instantly. “He’s out of work and doesn't have any toys for his kids this year,”said my Pop. My immediate thought was that this probably wasn't the first year Jimmy’s kids would have a disappointing Christmas.
“Johnny”, chirped Jimmy suddenly, correcting my Pop while casting a sidelong glance at the yet-to-be-wrapped Remco Bulldog tank and Tudor football game packages. ”I’m Johnny. Have three kids…two girls and a boy”. Jimmy rocked back on his heels with the gingerly bounce of the professional boozer, his balance far from perfect, his words muffled and slightly slurred.
The Old Man, a life-long rounder, had a fairly specific watering hole route he followed daily on his way home from the office. Occasionally, his last stop was “Craine’s”, a blue collar workingman’s neighborhood joint, where he was recognized, but not considered a regular. My guess was this is where he ran into Jimmy or Johnny…or whatever his name was. The Old Man was well known as a sucker for poor-me sob-stories and an easy touch, especially after a few J&B's. Normally he would have just given the guy a few bucks and wished him well. But it was Christmas and the Old Man, overcome with holiday compassion, hatched a dual-purpose plan; he apparently believed could help this poor schmuck and make yet another attempt at one of his many half-baked Ward Cleaver life lessons he just didn't have the panache to actually ever pull off.
“You kids get too many toys every year. We should share some with Jimmy—for his kids,” the Old Man said, getting right to it. As it wasn’t clear exactly what my Pop would be kicking in to this philanthropic holiday shindig, the royal “we” did not go unnoticed by me.
The Old man was a real piece of work and this was the constant refrain to which we kids were subjected virtually our entire lives. An East side Detroit kid, a child of the Great Depression and a WW II vet, every Christmas season he would bask in the glowing affirmation of his self-made financial success by heartily approving your advance gift list and by Christmas morning he would decry your avarice. He had a unique ability to embrace your hopes and dreams, elevating and then demeaning them, sometimes in the same sentence.
“Johnny”, Jimmy corrected my dad again. “My two boys would really like that tank and the football game,” he said, pointing to the unwrapped boxes.
The Old man casually snagged my football game, which I surrendered without a fight, my kid’s mind already doing its mental gymnastics to determine how to negotiate this temporary set back into a present I actually wanted.
“You said you had two girls and one boy a minute ago,” I said, confronting Jimmy. “Which is it?”As I didn't want this stupid game anyway, this was just a little one-act for the Old Man’s benefit to prove I incurred damages as a result my selfless altruism.
Jimmy (Johnny) was caught off balance by a question of this complexity, his thick eyebrows knitted into a mask of consternation, his heavy jaw drooping slightly as if even that level of concentration could be painful, began to mumble some unintelligible response just as the Old Man reached for my middle brother’s Bulldog Tank. My brother, clutching the box with a death grip, stared soundlessly at the Old Man, mouth wide open, forming a perfect “O” in a panicked pantomime of Evard Munch’s iconic painting “The Scream”, adamantly refused to give up the present.
My Pop immediately realized that getting the tank may be more difficult than he had initially thought elected to go for a softer target and zeroed in on the “ODD OGG”. Reaching for the package, which was setting on my kid brother’s lap elicited a piercing screech so sonorous it would make a canine howl in agony, an explosion of sound which is no doubt still hanging somewhere over the Great Lakes.
Just as the Old Man began to mentally revisit his poorly thought out act of charity, watching it spiral out of control, my middle brother, encouraged by my kid brother’s vociferous reaction and having sufficiently recovered from his momentary panic, finally found his voice and began screaming for my mom, who made it to the family room in a flash from upstairs.
“WHAT IS GOING ON HERE… AND WHO IS THIS MAN IN MY HOUSE?” said my no nonsense, European born mother racing into the room, her curlers half out of her hair. The Old Man, no stranger to this sort of marital adversity, generally brought on by his total absence of any semblance of impulse control, focused on the Christmas tree.
“Dad’s trying to give our stuff to Jimmy’s kids,” lamented my middle brother, pointing to the stranger.
“I was just trying to help out Jimmy and his kids,” he proclaimed defiantly, gesturing in Jimmy’s general direction. “Poor guy is out of work…and….,” he grumbled helplessly, his hopelessly lame, cringe-worthy attempt to explain the theft of his own children’s Christmas gifts on Christmas eve fell on deaf ears as he withered under my mom’s perilous stare. It was over. The Old Man was beat, his Life Lesson ruined once again, this time by the pernicious greed of his own spawn. Retreating to the liquor cabinet at the other end of the room, he abandoned Jimmy, leaving him to deal with the precarious reality of “Mom Justice” on his own.
My mom, not quite done with the Old Man yet, gave him one last scathing glance. “Espece d’idiote,” (you’re an idiot) she said in her native tongue, to which she always reverted when seriously pissed.
“I think it’s time for you to go,” said my mom, turning her attention to the stranger. “And you can put down that package,” she said with an unmistakable tone of finality.
“I don’t have a ride,” said Jimmy, as he lay down the football game.
My mother turned abruptly, found her purse in the kitchen, returned and handed Jimmy a five dollar bill. “I’ll call you a cab. You may wait in the second garage—it’s heated. I’m sorry my husband wasted your time,” she said with as much dignity as she could muster.
Then to us—“We’ll be leaving in 20 minutes -- be ready” she said, casting a fiercely dismissive glance at my Pop, now sulking in the corner of the room. Once again, the karmic shit had hit the cosmic fan --- the universe had conspired against him --- no good deed would go unpunished. Later on the Old Man would get his for this ignominious little fiasco---it was only a matter of time.
Jimmy (Johnny?) shuffled off through the back doors in the direction of the garages. I followed, carrying the Tudor football game which had, despite my attempts to dump it, tenaciously remained in my possession and watched as he walked through the garage, all the way down the driveway, sitting on the edge of the curb in the dark. Reaching into his deep pea coat pocket he produced a pint bottle of Four Roses whiskey and took a long pull, swallowing with a shudder and a snort.
I walked up, startling him, and held out the football game. “Here, give this to your boys --or girls.”
“Thanks,” was all he managed to mumble as he put the box under his arm. He got up off the curb and began walking in a westerly direction.
“What about the cab?” I asked as he lumbered away in the darkness. Without turning around he raised his left arm, waved and kept on moving. I knew there would be hell to pay for giving away the football game…the Old Man wasn't the only one who was going to get it.
But what the hell… it was Christmas.








