LEAVE IT TO ‘BAMA
LIFE IN THE NEW AMERICAN BABYLON
“Wish a buck was still silver, back when the country was strong
Back before Elvis, before the Vietnam War came along
When a Ford and a Chevy would still last 10 years like they should
Is the best of the free life behind us now?
Are the good times really over for good?”
Merle Haggard
Originally published on vandalnation.blogspot.com
12/10/2012 at 8:54 am Eastern Daylight Time
Snugly sequestered in the little mountains in this corner of North Carolina, far from the rough and tumble of the racket’s rumble, I have read, for the last several months with varying degrees of interest, the internet commentary of the local talking heads on the scandalously sorry state of our ever devolving economy, culture and politics. As we continue to define deviancy down, the politics, of course, drives all of this insanity, culminating recently with a national Presidential campaign. So deceptively tawdry and classless was this shameful national embarrassment, it made any full blown white trash episode of Jerry Springer look like tea with the Queen of England. As the last few painfully polarizing months have illustrated, our political discourse has become so cynical, so hopelessly irredeemable, it would turn even Mother Teresa into $30.00 a throw crack whore.
It’s getting wicked ugly out there…uglier than the final scene of a Tarantino movie. Call me a bigoted, politically incorrect angry old white guy, but I’m sick of hearing how every sycophant candidate’s goal in life, (whether running for President or Dog Catcher), was to “create jobs” and “restore the Middle Class”. As if these professional government toadies ever created a job, (even had a job in the private sector) and who couldn’t give a self respecting third-worlder a run for his money managing an off-brand convenience store. In the meantime, the vaunted American “Middle Class” look like a swarm of locusts devouring a Federal Government entitlement cornfield, gobbling up whatever government swag they can lay their grubby little hands on, trampling each other to grab their SNAP cards, apply for their bogus SS disability, gratis cell phones and all the while whining that the “rich” aren’t paying their “fair share”. Face it, our once courageous and heroic American Middle Class has been relegated to a myth, a popular urban legend. Like a fading, past her prime Diva living on past rep, she is neither courageous nor heroic. The Middle Class…I say fuck ‘em, let them eat twinkies…which will probably be free.
We are, finally, inevitably, reaping the dubious rewards of 40 years of a dumbed-down public educational system and phony cradle to grave government programs that rewarded the indolent while penalizing the industrious, spawning a cultural about-face that embraces spurious politically correct policies of mindless self indulgence. This, of course, based on the discredited feel-good notion that every child -- regardless of talent, work ethic or attitude – is deserving of praise, all in the name of some absurdly comical concept of “self esteem”. Armed with no skills or ambition, possessing only a self important sense of self esteem induced entitlement and backed up by a bellyful of want and a mouthful of gimme, what else was left for these little malcontented miscreants but the Occupy Movement.
Ah yes, the Occupy Movement, the perfect analogy for the New America paradigm. As foolish as the rabid Tea Party aficionado may appear when they go all Paul Revere on us, beautifully bedecked in their breaches and three-cornered hats and quoting passages from “Atlas Shrugged”-- (a ridiculously reductive Ayn Rand fanciful flight of fiction that should be discarded after one’s junior year in high school along with “Catcher in the Rye”) -- they absolutely pale in comparison to the Latter Day Hippie Scum occupiers. Although the glorious “occupy” days of these malingering malefactors seem to be over and the “movement” changed nothing, they were the canaries in the coal mine of cultural change, a fateful futuristic foreshadowing of the new age. And yes, (lest you think this is merely a passing youthful phenomena), these bindle stiff’s are the very same rabble that will one day run whatever remains of this place.
Dressed as if they just crawled out of a Good Will box, the basic philosophy espoused by these self absorbed anarchistic vermin was more notional than concrete; private corporations exist only to employ the people and to serve the needs of the collective while recognizing that profit is an obscene attempt to rob society of its rightful compensation. I have my rights! Feed me! Clothe me! Give me a job! Pay off my college loan that took six years (at 25K per year) to earn a BA in Western African GLBT studies, only to find that the most consequential piece of information required for proficiency in the job for which they were qualified was “paper or plastic”.
The tactics employed to accomplish this confiscation of wealth and earnings of the so-called 1% by these class envy warriors was as ridiculous as the ideology they championed; physically interfere with business to ultimately bankrupt them, public fornication and shitting on cars. America, behold your future.
Although these delusional dopes made quite a splash for a while, the Occupiers were not the first youth “Movement” to take it to the streets. In May of 1971, my sophomore year in college, American college students still outraged over the National Guard execution of four protesters during a Kent State Vietnam War protest the previous spring were holding anti war rallies throughout the nation and one was planned for the second weekend in Ann Arbor where I was domiciled. Although sympathetic to the cause, I was not given to drinking the idealogical Kool Aid and was openly contemptuous of the zealots of any organized movement who were foolish enough to believe that Nixon would flip-flop and stop sending our young asses into some jungle hell-hole. I decided to make my way to the staging area at "The Quad" at the University of Michigan Law School - not for the high-minded noble strikers, for the best reason any 19 year old male could contemplate—I wanted to get laid. I had been on serious point; hot on the scent of a young, raven-haired beauty, a nubile Hippie chick we called “Flipper”.
I was on the rebound from a failed two year relationship when I met Flipper at party several weeks before. She was smart, athletic, with pert breasts and olive skin as smooth as fine cashmere, all sinew and muscle. For weeks she had been driving me crazy 24/7, the singular reason for my existence. Unfortunately, she was hooked up with some skinny pseudo Marxian poseur who was the only person I’ve ever known who claimed to understand the theory of dialectical materialism. He carried around a copy of Das Kapital and had an annoying habit of constantly quoting Engels and spewing all his commie claptrap about the evils of capitalistic materialism. Apparently the U.S. form of capitalism wasn’t evil enough for him to refuse to accept his showroom new Mustang fastback or the $350.00 per month stipend (a King’s ransom in those days), all compliments of his wealthy father, a tool and die mogul with some very profitable government contracts. This was a well-heeled subversive.
When Flipper surprisingly asked me to come along with her, the loser boyfriend and a few of her activist gal-pals to the University of Michigan, I thought I had a shot to make an end run on Mr. Marx. I was all in before I ever even saw the flop. After hard partying the first night, I never made it back to my off campus apartment and crashed in the dorms on campus with Flipper and Mr. Marx in the adjacent dorm room. That night it became obvious why she acquired the “Flipper” moniker.
As it turned out, carnal interaction brought out in her an alarming (yet thrilling) peculiarity. Even one room over, her frenzied passion pierced the concrete wall…indeed the vociferate cries could be heard throughout the entire floor. Simple uncontrolled shrieking, the intonation of mindlessly undirected “dirty talk” or even the classic petitioning of a celestial Deity apparently was not descriptive enough for this tiny temptress. Rather, she would emit a high-pitched chattering coital cacophony that sounded exactly like a porpoise in pain.
As I listened with jealous amusement, I remember thinking that this noisy show-stopping sexual soliloquy was so startlingly unnerving that it would have rivaled the ever-dependable ejaculatory delay method universally recognized as the “Mick Trick”. For the uninitiated, the “Mick Trick” was a practice utilized by the male component of the (traditional) coupling in which an image of jocks possessed of extreme testicularity, (i.e. Mickey Mantle) was mentally conjured in an effort to delay climax. It seldom worked, especially in those virile, vitamin-packed days of my puerile youth. For a motivated 19 year-old, one could conjure up the entire 1927 Yankee World Series Champs with zero effect on delaying ejaculation.
My stars being in perfect alignment, my luck changed that very next morning, after Flipper got into a hot-blooded row with her previous night’s partner, splattering him with cold pizza and beer as she gave him the bum’s rush. She invited me to breakfast and, artfully adopting a sympathetic hybrid character (a cross between Rambo and Phil Donahue), I chatting her up for several hours pretending to listen attentively to every word that poured out of that delicately sculptured pie-hole. Mission accomplished, she made a date to meet me at a popular campus night spot that evening. I spent the entire day practicing my witty lines and polishing my sophisticated “espirit d'escalier”. I was on a roll.
But disappointment was my lot. My cynical world view was validated that very evening in that campus bar when, searching the crowded club for my newly found soul mate, I stumbled upon her performing fellatio on a total stranger in the men’s room. So stupidly enamored was I with her charms, even in my bitterly disappointed mindset, I remember taking cold comfort in the fact that at least she had the class to find an empty stall.
Even though that was a time in America full of foment and volatility, the country still embraced a collective consciousness, a baseline which served as a dependable reference point. Success was not demonized but emulated and behavior had consequences—we all knew the rules. As corny as it may sound in this New America, President’s Day, Memorial Day, Labor Day--all were reminders of the collective consciousness of the country, not simply a buying holiday for discount furniture. Unfortunately today there are no more rules, only referees.
The face of the nation changes by the individuals and ideas that the people admire. Our current batch of leaders are only a symptom, merely a reflection, of our times and culture. As Republicans and conservatives scratch their heads and play the blame game over lost opportunities, they ignore the obvious reason for the failure to launch; the tipping point has long last arrived. The attitude and values of the country have finally jumped the shark as the majority of our citizens, like our politicians, have become professional moochers. Despite the loudly articulated arguments, everything the old time Republican Pols thought they knew about this place is wrong. An FYI to conservatives and folks over 55… Ladies and gentlemen, your America has left the building.
For sure, the American family model even 50 years ago was never the “Leave It To Beaver” pastoral ideal that many of us secretly longed for, but only a make-believe slice of Americana. Right or wrong, equitable or not, at the very least there was a righteous sense of certainty and clarity, which one could take for granted if operating under the mistaken assumption that God could only be on your side.
Life was easy, if not at times boring. There were no blacks or Hispanics in my neighborhood, save the domestics whose contempt was well hidden. We desperately clung to the fantasy that all athletes were clean cut and great role models, (my, we were stupid in those days), there were no graphic descriptions of feminine hygiene products or personal lubricants on TV and only boatswains mates and circus people had tattoos.
Despite all this bourgeois euphoria, I realized my pop would never be Ward and my family would never look like the Cleavers. As innocently quaint as this miniature universe may have been, some of us were capable (from what yearning?) of thinking outside this little Rockwellian box. In the midst of this clean-cut, healthy environment and all this button-down goodness, my shameful, super-secret dark fantasy at age 13 -- what occupied my thoughts for a good chunk of my waking hours during that time, (no doubt prompted by the my Parochial School education and regular paddlings from the stern and sexless Sister Mary of the Perpetual Misery), was to somehow work my way into a three-way with Barbara Billingsley and Dusty Springfield. (Ah, well…just one more entry on the bucket list I’ll never check off.)
But it’s the New America, where it is not only politically fashionable but de rigueur to play the American people for suckers. During the contemptible slop-throwing fest that passed for a political campaign, (in which the fundraising Bundlers and Super Pacs posted the sort of numbers one only sees on a McDonald’s sign), we were repeatedly subjected to what had to be the most poorly crafted piece of sophistry ever uttered by any POTUS; “…Americans are smart enough to realize that we can’t drill our way out of this (energy shortage)". What? While we sit on the largest oil and shale reserves in the world? Right. The next time I need to fill up my SUV (at $4.00 a gallon) I’ll just drive up to Solyndra and install solar panels on the roof.
Now I realize that I only have a couple of undergraduate degrees, a somewhat limited world view and clearly no intellectual match for, say, a tenured college professor who decries the very system that freely allows him to spew his nonsense. But, in what universe do these progressive clowns think that I and millions of people like me, are so unsophisticated, so naïve we could possibly believe their intricately nuanced and ridiculous argument that injecting more oil into the market would not lower the price of fuel? These political hacks, Progressives and Conservatives alike, most of whom have been suckling from one Federal tit or another since the earth cooled, who worship celebrity over accomplishment, have so little regard for the intelligence of the American people that they constantly insult us with their lame assertions, half truths and downright bullshit. For sure, there was a time that all this would be perceived as an extraordinarily worrisome predicament. Today, however, it is simply the “new” normal. We have met the enemy… and he is us.
These days one could easily slide into some dark depression, absolutely apoplectic with the current state of political affairs, a gnawing sense of foreboding, an alienating feeling that we are all running headlong into some dark abyss. Not me. My existence is validated by my cynicism. In fact, I’m not even disappointed—although I have long believed the only difference between depression and disappointment was simply one’s level of commitment. My commitment level has been running on empty for quite some time -- 25 years in fact -- ever since the unfair incarceration of James Brown (The hardest Working Man in Show Business) for an unfortunate wife beating incident. (Apparently, his claim “…the ugly bitch made me do it” was an insufficient legal defense). In the not so immortal words of Alexander Pope, “Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”
Yes, life will go on. Despite Climate Change, the looming fiscal cliff and apparent cultural implosion, the sun will continue to rise every morning; it will just shine on a world with which many of us are unfamiliar. And for those unfortunate souls who are contemplating taking a rope up to the attic, who are truly adamant about maintaining a super-elevated level of depression and despair…take heart. There is plenty of hope to fuel your hopelessness. Unfortunately, you’ll have to wait nearly two full weeks until December 21st for the end of times.
Go figure. Who would have ever thought the Mayans would be the optimists?








