“THE DAY THE MUSIC DIED”
Originally published on vandalnation.blogspot.com
2/15/16, 1:22 PM Eastern Daylight Time
On a funereal February morning in 1959 I was at my desk, peering through the classroom window, watching the huge snowflakes pile up in drifts on the playground at St. Joan of Arc parochial school, fearfully contemplating the loss of my immortal soul and my imminent trip to the sinful regions of hell for the sacrilegious consumption of two pieces of bacon.
In those guilt-plagued, dismally dogmatic days of Catholicism, the taking of morning communion required a four hour fast prior to receiving the sacrament, and this was actually the source of my anxious trepidation. As a result of this fasting business, parochial school students (“Little Cadets for Christ” as we were called by our century old self flagellating principal, Sister Paul of the Perpetual and Never Ending Misery) had to pack not only a lunch but a breakfast, the latter to be eaten after the daily 8:00 a.m. Mass and compulsory communion.
My 9-year old mind cursed my weakness, my inability to “…avoid the near occasion of evil” which resulted in the unfortunate bacon devouring incident earlier that morning, when temptation completely overcame me and I surreptitiously snatched those seductive strips right off of my younger brother’s breakfast plate. Thankfully, he was quite content to give up the purloined pork quietly, without a fight. Fortunately for me, my brother was a non
-eater – I cannot remember him ever eating a meal at the table – who had the highly developed skill of hiding and moving his food around his dish in an attempt to create the impression of an empty plate.
“Appelez-vous de rester a jeun pas de nourriture ce matin,” (“remember the fast—no food this morning”) my mom, facing the stove reminded me in French, which, back in the day, was only spoken around the house by my mother and us two boys, much to the chagrin of my East side Detroit father.
“Speak English, damn it” he barked, which always elicited a sly smile from my mother.
“Oui, ma mere”, I said as I turned my back to the table, quickly jamming the greasy meat into my mouth.
According to church doctrine which was drummed into our little catholic crania with the intensity of a Soviet re-education gulag, the earlier eating violation made me ineligible to receive communion. My problem, the nagging thought that struck a religious chord of dread deep within my eternal soul (which scared the shit out of me that particular morning) was, when I took communion anyway, I was looking at the Catholic equivalent of a Class “A” major felony… a MORTAL SIN!
In those days at Parochial School, the obligatory morning Mass was not the casual, happy-faced, low key affair of today with guitar strumming hippie-scum and the never ending handshaking and the “go in peace” over-familiar interaction. Mass was disquietingly austere and somber, a private experience creepily replete with the “smells and bells”, the entire event (songs and liturgy) performed in Latin…and sometimes (in a High Requiem funeral Mass) with a dead guy lying right in front of the altar. As intimidating and distracting as all this may have been to 9 year old, the very idea of not
receiving daily communion at morning Mass was inconceivable, an anathema. Occasionally some wise guy would plant his butt on the pew and refuse to get with the communion program. Such ill advised behavior would be met with swift, pitiless and frightfully harsh retribution, humiliatingly delivered in front of the entire school. Rapid response nuns would converge like a well organized Swat Team and surround the violator, plucking him out of the pew by the ear and delivering him with dispatch to a nearby confessional, where, by some metaphysical religious phenomena, the perpetrator was met by a waiting priest who was already
seated deep in the horrifically dark recesses of the confessional box, beckoning like some eerie Hammer film character. The clear implication was that these Draconian measures were not only warranted but necessary… only a single step from calling in Father Damien to exorcise the Godless infestation which snatched the spirit of the guilty nine year old malefactor and compelled him to skip the Blessed Sacrament.
So, that morning at Mass, when our second grade teacher Sister Mary Joseph began her communion line routing routine, directing the kiddie traffic up to the communion rail like a colossal crossing guard penguin, I knew full well that failure to get in the queue would place me in imminent jeopardy. I proceeded to panic in the pew and got in line, opting for eternal damnation, which I figured would at least buy me some time before the swift and certain Devine retribution would strike. Believe it – back in the day, Jews had nothing on parochial school children when it came to dragging around all that overstuffed Samsonite, packed to popping with self reproachful angst. To suggest Catholic kids had only a slight guilt problem was like saying Jeffery Dahmer had a mild eating disorder.
With this mindset, I sat staring out the window, filled with self loathing and unable to eat the breakfast my mom had packed, gloomily pondering my mortal sin and my untimely eternal damnation… at only 9 years of age.
“Hey, you know what?” I turned away from the window to see Jimmy Versical, lanky and lop-eared even then, eyes bulging, bursting with news. “Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper and Richie Valens were all killed in a plane crash last night!” he blurted, unable to hold it in any longer. “I heard it on the radio…it’s true – you can ask John or Joe,” which automatically cinched the veracity of the claim. John and Joe were Versical’s older brothers, 11 and 12 respectively and, for all practical purposes ersatz adults in addition to being walking Wikipedia on all subjects related to Rock and Roll music. Versical and I would spend hours in his basement listening to his older brother’s 45’s on a rickety little (state of the art) portable record player turned up to “full” volume, the music squeaking out of the single tinny speaker barely louder than a church mouse fart. (Show that antique devise to a person under 20 years of age and watch them scratch their heads attempting to determine its function.)
We loved The Silhouettes’ “ Get A Job ” (yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip – mum, mum, mum, mum, muma, Get a job…) , Rick Nelson’s “ Be – Bop Baby ” (Be-bop baby in her old blue jeans, just as sweet as she can be…just my Be-bop baby and me), The Penguin’s “Earth Angel” and “Why Do Fools Fall in Love” by Frankie Lyman & the Teenagers. Our favorites were The Big Bopper’s “ Chantilly Lace ”, Richie Valens’ “ La Bamba” and all of Buddy Holly, who, in the pantheon of Rock and Roll Gods of the day, was 1st among equals.
The lyrics of this musical genre were decidedly un-cerebral, simple and sweet and spoke of an old fashioned innocence – love, life, loss – all the emotional raw material necessary to achieve the American Dream. Although these notions may be completely unfamiliar to contemporary America, it was music that celebrated the “Be-Anything-You-Want-Baby-Boomer”, coming of age generation and reflected the culture of the day perfectly.
Versical’s excited utterances created a buzz in the classroom, drawing a crowd as half eaten egg sandwiches and thermoses filled with tepid cocoa were abandoned at the desks. Billy Zerrilli, both his tiny hands wrapped around a breakfast cannoli (his mother always made him the most magnificent post communion breakfasts in the school) piped in.
“No foolin’, Sam?” he intoned, using his very best Eddie Haskell impression. Billy, a naturally loquacious skinny little smart-ass, had it down perfectly, capturing not just the voice and head bobbing physical characteristics but the essence of the character. Close your eyes and you would think Ken Osmond was actually in the room, cracking wise. Billy, always the perfect gentleman in front of the nuns, was actually the most foul mouth kid in the class.
“No foolin’—they’re dead, probably burned to a crisp Joe says,” Versical answered. The huddled group of 2nd graders all solemnly nodded in unison, recognizing the gravity of the situation. When a 5th grader (especially one with Joe Versical’s Rock and Roll celebrity bona-fides) made an official proclamation like this, it was as reliable as a police report.
“How come they didn’t use their parachutes?” Little Sammy Ventimiglia asked suspiciously.
“There was no time – they probably crashed into a mountain…or something,” Jimmy Versical speculated emphatically, realizing instantly he was on shaky ground with this theory, which was pure conjecture.
Sal, who sat in the “V” section as a result of the anally alphabetical organizational classroom chart on which all nuns insisted, was not mollified by Jimmy’s lame explanation. (Curious how lifelong friendships are sometimes forged by virtue of the pure randomness of the first letter of one’s surname.)
“How do you know they hit a mountain…maybe snow got in the engines and froze them up!” Sammy challenged, pointing out the window to the snow-filled playground. As 2nd graders with a rather limited world view and, (as it was not yet part of our curriculum), any knowledge of geography, it never crossed our mind to question Sammy’s logic …that the weather conditions might have been different some 2000 miles away where the crash actually occurred. (In fact, although the snow-blown weather conditions were present, pilot error was the official determination of the cause of the crash.)
“Well, anyway…they’re dead,” said Versical morosely.
Suddenly my concern for my own eternal spiritual situation, at least for the moment, was secondary. I was unfamiliar with death, never even having known anyone who had died, and probably didn’t entirely grasp the concept of mortality. However, as a result of the 24/7 church indoctrination, we all had a propensity to view virtually everything in our lives through a prism of religiosity. So overwhelmed was I with this concept of my own spiritual transgression, my first thought was if the Almighty would arbitrarily and capriciously allow a tragedy like this to befall someone as famous Buddy Holly – with no warning whatsoever – what terrible fate may await me…any second? What if Buddy did not have the benefit of, in the parlance of the nuns, “…the state of grace” when he bought it? What if he was smeared with the shit stain of mortal sin and therefore doomed? If there was no time for parachutes, I reasoned, there probably would not be time for what your confessor would refer to as “…a good Act of Contrition”.
My predicament was, literally, a matter of life and death. With a three day wait until Saturday confession (this was Thursday – mid-week confessions were heard on Wednesday and the rules were definitive – a “Good Act of Contrition” was insufficient when a confessor was handy), I had created a multiple day exposure to eternal damnation.
Upon further reflection I realized that Buddy might not have even been Catholic and, again, according to church dogma as translated by the nuns, would probably burn to a crisp anyway in the fire and brimstone of the abyss; Church doctrine of the day was quite clear regarding non-Catholic’s limited chance at hitting the heavenly lottery. (Protestants, however, were in a better position than the poor Jews who, according to Sister Mary Joseph, were utterly and completely locked out of Goyim glory, celestially speaking. Forget about Muslims, Hindus, and Buddhists…they were not even on the Vatican radar.)
The logical extension of this theological thought process hit me with a blinding flash of the obvious; if poor Buddy was a non-catholic – almost certainly doomed – and wasn’t bound by all this fasting nonsense and ubiquitous rules and regulations, he could eat all the bacon he wanted – whenever he wanted – with probably no affect on his immortal soul. As I was constantly unable to resist temptation and already in deep shit with this mortal sin affair, I was fairly convinced that I would never be able to hack Catholicism and dared to wonder if perhaps I could switch teams…maybe hook-up with one of the off-brand religions like Methodist or Episcopalian. Based on what I could glean from my few non-catholic buddies, these surrogate orthodoxies appeared to be a virtual lights-out-steel-cage-free-for-all … no fish requirement on Fridays (and no more of those dreadful Friday TunaLinks either – an early version of a meat substitute product made of tuna fish shaped like a hotdog that managed to taste like neither), no standing, sitting, kneeling at church on Sunday – actually no mandatory church on Sundays! No more terrifyingly somber confessionals. No more keeping score of mortal and venial sins (Sister Mary Joseph actually had developed a point
formula for keeping track of our sinful transgressions, with each venial sin assigned a point value. Too many points and the sheer weight of your collective venial sins magically morphed into one massive mortal sin, placing you in harm’s way for all of eternity.) I realized the idea of abdicating Catholicism was, of course, a pipe dream; my Mom would never allow it. I was stuck, my soul slowly circling the ecclesiastical drain.
“Breakfast period is over,” announced Sister Mary Joseph suddenly from the front of the classroom, her slight brogue immediately distinguishable from our nasal mid-western accents. “Return to your desks and clean up your area,” she said sternly, shooting the fish-eye directly my way, sniffing out sin like some pious bloodhound. She was a newly minted nun, a first class Irisher, round-faced and pudgy, with translucent white skin and a saddle of brown freckles running across the bridge of her little pug nose. Outfitted in the traditional garb of the nuns of the day (think “Bells of Saint Mary”), her hair-hiding- habit concealed what we all guessed was a thatch of bright red tresses, although due to the black ironclad costume, we would never really know. So heavily ensconced in oppressively modest clothing were the nuns back in the day, it was doubtful that Sister MJ ever even had a glimpse of her own pristine cooter.
Later that day after lunch I remember we were instructed to fall in line (in parochial school, one “lined up” for literally everything…coming, going – eating, shitting) to file into the church basement to watch “Bert the Turtle”, a Civil Defense film (“There was a turtle by the name of Bert...Bert the turtle was very alert!” Apparently, as a turtle, Bert had the unique advantage of handily hauling around a fallout shelter on his back.) The film depicted schoolchildren who, upon seeing the “flash” of an atomic weapon, were instructed to “roll, duck and cover”, (I am not
making this up), which, amazingly, was our singular defense against a nuclear holocaust.
After the propaganda film, the older kids, Joe Versical among them, who were also in attendance and familiar with the film, demonstrated the proper method of the “roll, duck and cover” preparedness maneuver.
“What’s up with him?” Joe asked his brother Jimmy, noticing my less than enthusiastic duck and cover effort.
“He broke his fast before communion this morning and committed a mortal sin… he’s worried about his soul,” Jimmy cavalierly answered, as if I had forgotten to brush my teeth that morning.
“What?” Joe laughed. “What a dope – that’s only a venial sin…everybody knows that. The only reason they don’t want you to eat before is that it’s too hard to pick the pieces of the Host out of the puke when you punks get sick!” (Joe was correct about picking the Host out of the mess the little shits – who were constantly getting sick and puking all over practically everything – would make, especially in the winter. The Ecumenical Council theory of Transubstantiation – the conversion of spirit to body – maintained that the Communion Host was not simply the symbolic
body of Christ, but was literally
the body of Christ, therefore necessitating the officiate to collect the remains of the Eucharist from the mess.)
Joe had already gone through the Confirmation process the year before, elevating him to official “Soldier of Christ” status – a very big deal in the Catholic Church. As far as I was concerned, this opinion was authoritative and there was absolutely no need for additional theories which would only muddy the waters. Doctrine-wise, I was in the clear.
My immediate sense of relief was palatable. I did a quick point count in my head and determined that I was well within the venial sin maximum – with points to burn – and in no immediate danger of crossing over to the mortal sin side. No longer plagued by the sword of reverential reprisal hanging over my head and off the eternal damnation hook, I cruised through the rest of the day, sans souci
, my child’s mind quickly shifted gears leaving questions of life, death and faith for another day.
So thankfully angst-free was I that before the school day had expired, I fished into my pocket for the $3.00 that had been earmarked for the purchase of a genuine Northland Pro hockey stick and magnanimously ponied- up for yet another “Pagan Baby”.
For the uninitiated, the so-called “The Pagan Baby Rescue Fund” was a 1950's missionary program operated under the auspices of the arch-diocese of Detroit with the ostensible goal of baptizing into Catholicism every child in the universe, thereby saving countless souls from the eternal damnation. This was accomplished through the (paid) “sponsorship” of unsaved little pagan babies by parochial school children within the Diocese. Sponsorship "donations" were $3.00 per child and entitled the student sponsor to confer upon the little “pagan” a Christian name, which was codified on a handsome certificate of baptism and sponsorship. The nuns would then hang these certificates above the blackboard along with a picture of the newly minted Catholic child. While I was pretty much geographically challenged, I had
seen countless Tarzan films at the Saturday afternoon movies and it was clear that these poor little "pagans" were of some sort of African heritage.
Encouraged by the nuns, kids in our school would compete to see who could step-up and "save" the most pagan babies. By acquiring this latest little celebratory pagan (my 7th - all numbered consecutively and christened as "Freddie" after me, their magnanimous sponsor), I was building quite an impressive virtual Pagan Plantation, leap-frogging Dean Williams, my nearest competitor, who was trailing badly with only 5 babies in his little stable.
Alas, later that day I received my first lesson in phony religiosity. After school that same dreary February afternoon, I wandered into an empty 4th grade classroom down the corridor where I had occasion to see the string of their pagan baby pics hung over the blackboard. To my horror, I identified at least three of my little Freddie pagans in that picture lineup. Apparently the Arch-diocese, in perpetrating this pagan baby racket, were more than happy to take my $3.00 per pagan fee, but too cheap to buy more than one set of bogus African baby pictures. Further investigation showed that every classroom had the exact set of 30 photos of the same sorrowful, soul-less African kids. Disillusioned with the entire spurious sham, pagan baby Freddie #7, sadly, was the last soul I saved.
I have reflected on that winter day many times over the last 57 years, amused at how the world has so drastically evolved it would be unrecognizable to that little kid who is still searching for answers to life's unsolvable riddles. We have come far, my fellow Boomers and I, from those sometimes somber, black and white days of America, right through the turbulent times of social upheaval in the '60's. We were the Vanguard of a Cambrian explosion of an exhilarating metastasis, the leading edge of a revolutionary transition. We were special, we foolishly told ourselves, chosen especially to be the instrument of epoch change...only to finally realize that time touches everything and, to our chagrin, like some cosmic bad joke, we grew up to be no more unique than anyone else.
And what of my pals who shared that day so long ago? Billy Zirilli faded into the ether of time, long forgotten by history. Jimmy Versical was still searching, sadly contemplating the limits and latitude of loss from the bottom of a bottle until his untimely death at age 63.
Little Sammy Ventimiglia? Sammy grabbed the brass ring of life, establishing success on the building blocks of three basic principles: 1) Never waste an opportunity to make a friend; 2) Never do business with people that have no money; 3) Never cook Marinara gravy in a white shirt.
And me? I long ago resolved at least one of the age old questions…it was right in front of me all these years, buried in the lyrics of the day:
What is Love?
Five feet of heaven on a ponytail…
The cutest ponytail -
That sways with a wiggle when she walks.
The Playmates, 1959
That’s it for now. Try not to freeze your asses off and I'll see you all down the road.
Freddie Van
(a simple child of god)
Photographs - Michael Ochs Archives | Getty Images, Courtesy of the artist, Allan H. Plant/Getty Images [via NPR]
Originally written in February 2015 but not posted to VandalNation








