Bailout City
Originally published on vandalnation.blogspot.com
1/19/2009 at 7:23 pm Eastern Daylight Time
The financial world continues to implode as I patiently endure my laborious journey into a dark abyss, a pathetic Joseph looking for a manger, or at least some semi-soft place to fall. My old pals in the Detroit area, as dreadful as they’re circumstances may be, have absolutely nothing on me when it comes to navigating in this noxious and toxic economic sewer of insolvency. The “Consulting Bid-niz” finally, at long last, has truly become a polite euphemistic expression for “unemployed.” Like the man said when asked how his business was…“kind of like sex,” he replied dryly-- “The last I had was pretty damn good; it’s just been a while.”
So imagine my chagrin when I received in the mail yet another of those ubiquitous fliers from some bottom feeding business broker who is promising top dollar for Vanco Promotional Marketing, Inc., an outfit that is limping along barely making payroll, running two skips ahead of its creditors. I have always prided myself on being one who views responsibility as the other guy’s predicament, my mantra being “it’s not my fault,” which I have expanded in these trying times to “it’s not my fault…blow me.” I have little tolerance for any of these impudent and niggardly vendors, (self absorbed little money-grubbing shylocks, all), when they commence calling and insolently demanding payment for, say, printing that was ordered months ago and is now all used up and which, (after allowing for my liquor budget and country club dues in Florida and North Carolina) has generated absolutely no substantial profit…as if that’s my fault! Like I’m some sort of Warren Buffet who can control everything under the fiscal sun! Not for nuthin’, but it seems to me that these perfidious, predatory pirates should be required to shoulder at the least some of the responsibility for taking advantage of me by extending credit and selling me the stuff in the first place. I’ll tell you this; some people in America today really have some brass.
At any rate, a short time ago I received a circular from an outfit with the very impressive title of “Transworld Business Brokers” which stated the following:
TRANSWORLD BUSINESS BROKERS
4700 Universal Blvd. Suite 350
Tel 407-885-7525 Fax: 800-765-8778
Dear Mr. Fred Von Aske ,
Transworld Business Brokers are THE business sale specialists with trained Professionals that will sell YOUR business for the absolute BEST price and terms. Our experienced brokers and resources will guide you, F. VonAske through the difficult, detailed and sometimes complicated business sales process.
My business is selling businesses, and several people have indicated an interest in purchasing a business like yours. If you have EVER considered selling, NOW IS THE TIME!! We have buyers waiting! Contact me TODAY! Don’t miss this fantastic opportunity.
F. Von Aske , you can start enjoying the good life TODAY!
James Burbank
Senior Transaction Broker
Buyers waiting? The good life…today? This must be a great opportunity! Maybe this guy knows what he’s talking about...after all his business is selling businesses (even if he has no fucking clue as to what I do, who I am or even the spelling of my name). But, if you can’t believe the printed word, what can you believe in anymore? Recognizing a chance to perhaps escape with a little cheese from this formidable trap created by my misaligned stars, I immediately e-mailed Mr. Burbank:
12/2/08
Dear Mr. Burbank,
I am in receipt of your Transworld Business Brokers flier offering your services. As you undoubtedly know, Vanco is a profitable and well respected Leader in the Promotional marketing industry. While I had not really considered selling any time soon, certain new business opportunities have just recently become available and I may be persuaded to sell to the right buyer for the right price. The terms, of course, would have to be cash.
Kindly e-mail me ASAP with the information needed to get the ball rolling as time is of the essence. Just as a starter, my accountants indicate to me, using the traditional Friedman Foundation Formula of Evaluation, that Vanco is worth somewhere in the vicinity of 2.25 million dollars, give or take a few thousand here or there.
Look forward to hearing from you,
Sincerely,
F. VonAske
President
Vanco Promotions, Inc.
Feeling I had set just the right tone in the letter, (nothing worse than a desperate seller) and giving my self a little leeway on the opening price, all that remained was to let all those waiting buyers begin the Irrational Exuberance. Enjoying the GOOD LIFE , it seemed, was right around the corner. My patience was rewarded when just two days later Mr. Burbank e-mailed me a somewhat pithy response.
12/4/08
Dear Mr. Von Aske,
Thank you for your response to our circular. Transworld is the largest Business Brokerage in Florida and we’re ready to SELL your BUSINESS… TODAY!!!
To get the “ball rolling” we’ll need your Financial Reports for the last four years, including your Balance Sheets and your P&L’s. Based on this information our analyst’s will be able to create a specific and accurate evaluation of Vanco Promotions, Inc.
Incidentally, none of our analysts or consultants have ever even heard of the “Friedman Foundation Formula’’ much less know how to apply it.
Looking Forward To Receiving Your Information,
James Burbank
Senior Transaction Broker
Current Financials? Hmmmm. It’s times like this when I wish my ol’ CPA buddy Deduction Dave Davies was still baking my books instead of baking bread in prison. With his own accounting creative genius he could restore health (at least temporarily) to any set of numbers…a regular Benny Hinn of the Balance Sheet. Rummaging through my records I find some likely looking documents and forward them to Transworld, along with a cover e-mail.
12/5/08
Jim,
Enclosed, please find the information you requested in your previous communication. The accounting firm that generated the work product was Goldman, Cohn, Jacobs and Schmuckman (a first class Jewish firm…no?) of Atlanta, and Bernie Cohn, Senior Partner did most of the work. They’re very professional and scrutinized this material like a Pakistani convenience store owner examining a winning lotto ticket. However, these boys are busier than a tick on a turtle and it probably would be best not to pester them right now, with tax season only seven months away and all.
If you have any questions regarding the reports I’m at your service and would be more than happy to answer any minor (or major) issues that may come up. No reason to bother the Big Boys over minutia when we can keep it between us girls.
Good News, Jim. As it turns out, the new business opportunities I spoke of earlier really appear to be panning out… and much quicker than anticipated! The situation is fluid and the fact I am compelled to move with rapid dispatch to avail myself of these new and exciting opportunities creates a little more leeway with regard to the price of Vanco. The beauty is…my loss is your buyer’s gain!!! I am willing to move on the price (for a limited time only) a full $500,000.00 in order to expedite a QUICK sale. I know this terrific offer will get those marketing juices flowing in an old Pro like you, Jimmy!!!
On another topic…I don’t quite understand your people being unfamiliar with the famous Friedman Foundation formula. If I didn’t know you better (and had so much confidence in you, Jimmy) I might be a little suspect of Transworld’s ability. When I took my MBA at Wharton, the Friedman Formula was the premier method of business evaluation and in common usage.
Looking forward to a continued fruitful relationship and a mutually rewarding conclusion, I remain,
F. Von Aske
President,
Vanco Promotions, Inc.
The next day I received a rather disappointing response:
12/6/08
Dear Mr. Von Aske
It appears that there are some irregularities in the Financial Statements you forwarded to us. In the first place Goldman, Cohn, Jacobs and Schmuckman have never heard of Vanco Promotions, Inc. (or you, for that matter.) Secondly, the work product forwarded was allegedly completed by Bernie Cohn and was supposed to have gone back to FY ’04. We have been informed by Goldman, Cohn et al that Mr. Cohn passed away in 2003…a full year before he theoretically completed the first year of your financial report. Clearly this has created a serious problem.
As to your generous movement in price…while our buyers are always looking for bargains, evaluation must be based upon some sort of financial due diligence. If you cannot produce a readable set of financial documents then we will have to end our “relationship”, despite the confidence you have in me. I feel compelled to warn you that falsifying financial statements is a criminal violation and we will not be a party to any such conspiracy.
Conduct Yourself Accordingly,
James Burbank
Senior Transaction Broker
cc Wm. Simmermon, Esq.
PS We work with several market analysts that have access to people who attended and actually graduated from Wharton at the University of Pennsylvania and their research indicates that not only did you not receive an MBA from that institution, you never even were enrolled there.
Events seemed to be spinning out of control, the GOOD LIFE seemingly a ghostly apparition, floating out of my grasp when it appeared so close. Time to fall back on the age old business adage…”a good excuse is the same as good performance” and so, sensing the momentum shifting, I replied snappily:
12/6/08
Jimbo,
What a major misunderstanding! And believe you me, there is a perfectly reasonable and logical explanation for all of this. The statements you were given were for another company , an obscenely profitable former subsidiary of Vanco (a company, incidentally, not in the original deal—although I may be willing to negotiate some sort of bundling accommodation provided the price was right) and were sent in error from the main office. Jimbo, I don’t have to tell you the help we are compelled to hire these days just doesn’t have the work ethic of old workhorses like you and me.
At any rate, I tasked the sending of the documents to the wrong person. Unfortunately I assigned the job to my man Julio (a very undependable and sneaky Mexican, who just this afternoon ran off with my wife) and he, of course, screwed it up.
But Jimbo, lets get down to brass tacks. Financials, Schmi-nancials… am I right? When you’re looking at a rock solid company do you really want to throw the proverbial fly in the ointment of commerce with all this OVER ANALYSIS? And to show you that I’m willing to work with you and go that extra mile, Jimbo, I’m actually reducing the price of the company by an additional (are you sitting down?)--$1,200,000.00!!!! I know there’s a lot of zeros in that number, but it’s an honest to goodness offer and I’ll hold it open for just 48 hours. And the beauty is…my loss is your buyer’s gain!!!
So let’s get those brokers moving! Your buyers won’t find a bargain like this for the balance of the millennium and if they’ve got any business savvy at all they’ll jump all over this deal quicker than Robert Downey Jr. buying crack at a dope house.
With respect to the other misunderstanding regarding Wharton College…I took my MBA from the Wharton school in Iowa , a highly respected, top drawer, semi-accredited on-line institution that offers a variety of career paths. Not to brag, but I set a new school record of achievement, getting my MBA (with credit for “Life Experience”) in only 16 days! Believe you me, Jimbo, that sheepskin has come in quite handy during the course of my diverse and multi-faceted business career.
By the way, Jimbo, while I ‘m looking forward to a quick sale, it is imperative that we close after the 1st of the year in ’09 and that the closing check be made to “CASH.” It is important that I do not create a taxable event in FY ’08 due to an unfortunate IRS misunderstanding several years ago which I expect will be cleared up any day.
Tell your folks to keep their heads up when these offers come flying in!!
Your Pal,
Fred
President
Vanco Promotions, Inc.
Thinking I had successfully and expertly patched the beef, all that remained was for me to wait on the multitude of offers to come pouring in. Several days passed and, hearing absolutely no word, I made a few friendly chit-chat calls to the Transworld headquarters to check on the progress, receiving no satisfaction whatsoever. My dreamlike reverie of the good life was shattered when, out of the blue, I received a hostile and confrontational e-mail from my man Burbank:
12/9/08
Mr. Von Aske,
I am in receipt of your latest e-mail and, quite frankly, I do not exactly know what to make of it except to inform you that Transworld no longer has any interest in conducting any business with you or any of your companies . We view attempted financial fraud as a very serious offense and have referred this matter (and your bogus Financial Statement) to our in-house counsel and he, no doubt will forward it to Goldman, Cohn, Jacobs and Schmuckman in addition to the Orange County States Attorney.
We must ask you to refrain from your persistent and annoying phone calls to our offices. At first they were merely irritating, but now you are scaring our people and your calls are bordering on harassment. If you do not cease and desist immediately you will only compound your already growing legal problems.
This is your last warning. LEAVE US ALONE!!!
Sincerely,
James Burbank
Senior Transaction Broker
PS In the event you need to refer to me at all during the deposition process DO NOT call me “Jimbo.”
Needless to say, I was taken aback. Ain’t it always the way? Just when you think you know someone. Well, I’ll be damned if I’m going to let this ungrateful bloodless bastard Burbank (if that’s really his true name) or his shoddy incompetent outfit “Transworld” run their scam on me. I immediately e-mailed him:
12/9/08
Burbank,
I am in receipt of your latest threatening e-mail that attempted to intimidate me. Defaming an unimpeachable business owner with personal attacks due to a few minor misconceptions is the very definition of unprofessional behavior. Well, let me tell you something, Buster!! All this saber-rattling bluster doesn’t frighten me. Where I come from this sort of ridiculous posturing is a fatuous attempt to hide the fact that you, Pally, have a tiny wiener and all this fulmination is simply compensating for the fact that you are an abject failure in the sack and probably a closet homo.
I wouldn’t do business with you or your collection of toady’s and misfits you call “analysts” and “brokers” (who, incidentally, were not even aware of the famous “Friedman Formula” for business evaluation) even if you managed to sell my company for the original asking price. You and your licentious losers think you’re pretty slick employing the old bait and switch by tempting a legitimate business owner with a fantastic offer, then just nickel and dime-ing him down until the poor bastard is bankrupt due to your specious chicanery (not unlike my experience with your nifty little swindle.) But be advised assface…I’m onto your dishonest and disgraceful little deception and you’re not the only citizen in this state that has access to the regulatory authorities!
Be informed that our business relationship is over and I demand the immediate return of my proprietary work product, which was sent to you in error by an underhanded and irresponsible Beaner. Furthermore, be advised that I am retaining counsel and will seek any legal remedy, including bringing suit against you, your collection of lackeys and your company for your libelous comments directed towards me and Vanco Promotions, Inc. Your reckless remarks have ruint me by creating a poison environment with respect to the sale of my company, rendering a previously profitable enterprise virtually worthless.
I’ll see you in court, you pre-mature ejaculating little pencil dick.
Conduct your-own-self accordingly,
FJV
Vanco Promotions, Inc.
PS In the event that any offers do happen to be submitted to your office, you may forward them to me for final determination. Despite my bruised feelings there is no sense in letting rampant emotion and personal animus interfere with business. (FYI… I am willing to lower the asking price another $100,000.00 with an additional 25K bonus to the selling broker if the right offer comes in…but only for the next 72 hours. )
Unfortunately, all this miscommunication and misunderstanding left me duped and hoodwinked once again by incompetence, bad advice and forces beyond my control as it appears that no offers are forthcoming. But things are looking up! Vanco, much to my amazement and delight, for the last 30 days posted a profit for the first time in months!
My only dilemma now is where I will spend the $237.41.
Ciao for Now,
Freddie Van
(a victimized vox populi and vilified child of god)








