On Existentialism, Fear And Loathing In the New America
Originally published on vandalnation.blogspot.com
1/19/2009 at 6:50 pm Eastern Daylight Time
Like a child’s much anticipated Christmas morning, the summer serenity of the mountain season came quickly and left, rushing by as the days seem to do now, leaving a suitcase full of stolen summer secrets and souvenir memories. Sitting on the deck listening to the cool mountain breeze and the rustling crackle of the dry and falling leaves that gently whisper autumn’s auspicious arrival, I am convinced that existentialism in America is alive and well, thriving in fact, in the 21st century. Some days one cannot help but feel as lonely and alone as a de-frocked and discarded Christmas tree laying at the curb on January 2nd. Meanwhile we wonder just how long it will take the barbarians accumulating at the gate to smash down the walls of civilization as the economy continues to melt down like a Snickers bar in the summer sun and the world as we always knew it (our world) is on the precipice of change that we cannot yet even ponder.
Lark’s on the wing, God’s in His heaven and all’s right with the world… my ass. The world is, for many, splitting apart with a nuclear intensity and while God may be up there all right, it seems He’s one pissed off Dude, apparently angry over something we humans did two millennia ago, (talk about holding a grudge.) Or maybe He’s just been pissed all along, and only in the last few centuries just got fed up with His little mess of a human experiment. One gets the distinct impression that He’s turning into a real vengeful Cat, a first class colossal Prick who is currently harboring quite a bit of unhealthy hostility. While we act like the little snotty punk-ass brat at the dinner table who refuses eat his vegetables, He’s just about to give us the back of His righteous hand. I’m quite certain I am not without guilt and probably haven’t lived the most courageous or inspiring life. But I "did the right thing", put three kids through private school and college, paid off my mortgages, built and sold several businesses, saved for retirement and never beat anyone out of any money who didn’t deserve it. I basically did everything they told me to do to achieve the American Dream, all the while watching some guys do all the wrong things and thinking “It’s alright…they’ll get theirs in the end.”
But I must have missed the Devine memo that came down and said “Eat shit and die, Pally,” because I’m the one who’s getting it in the end, a first class Karmic ream job. As a 40 year recovering Catholic I still lug around enough residual guilt to appreciate the delicious irony that I’m probably getting screwed for something I can’t even remember doing. My research into Hinduism gives every indication that it is possible for me to be re-incarnated as an indolently lazy grasshopper (who is bankrupt and in foreclosure because he shopped his ludicrously unaffordable mortgage based on which website had the best little dancing figures), instead of being reborn as an industrious ant again, (who plays by all the rules and for his effort gets it right up his tiny little ass.) Makes you damn proud to be an American!
And so life goes on as I anxiously await my bailout, which I don’t anticipate anytime soon despite the fact that my current financial statement and retirement accounts are as shot-up as Sonny Corleone in the causeway (if you can say… “look how they’ve massacred my 401 k” in your best Godfather accent, you’ll get the idea). Until then I continue to spend my way into oblivion in my beautiful mountain get-away with new batteries for the boat (they’re only 71/2 years old…doesn’t anything last anymore?), new coat of stain for the back deck and more of this never-ending landscaping which vainly attempts to thwart the natural habitat.
At this elevation the locals are quick to point out that these little mountains are a unique eco-system, a 3400 foot rain forest with fauna and flora one would not see elsewhere at this latitude. As proof of this pronouncement, they constantly carp about the scenic beauty of the hiking trails where one can witness, first hand, this wonderland of plant life if one only ventures out trekking mindlessly up and down steep and slippery slopes that lead to nowhere with only some sort of large walking stick to assist you as you stumble your way past pickers and poison ivy. Some of these folks (tree huggers and socialists, no doubt) do this 3-4 hours daily . Apparently Americans have sunk so low, have become so depraved, that even reality shows are not enough senseless diversion to kill the time. Rather than set one foot in those insect infected jungles I personally, would rather stick red-hot knitting needles through my corneas.
At any rate, my beautiful wife, always looking for new and innovative ways to separate me from what remains of my fortune, called some landscaping outfit with the impressive moniker of North Carolina Landscaping, LLC to complete the last leg of a 4-year plan that has nearly put me in the poorhouse. I was told that the president of the company was going to show up himself to conceptualize the plan. Additionally I was told by my visiting daughter that this executive was bringing his partner and my immediate thought was that these people must think I’m General Motors, or at least what GM used to be, and in very short order I would, once again, be hemorrhaging cash.
Later that morning as I’m preparing to slide over to the golf course where, in my distracted state of mind I will no doubt shoot my weight, I see two middle aged guys in very tight, very short pants lost in animated conversation sashaying down the circle driveway. My daughter is quick to tell me that these are the landscapers. With a blinding flash of the obvious, the reality of the situation sets in and my daughter sees my bewilderment.
“What did you think when I told you he was bringing his partner?” she asks me. “My God, landscape architects are the equivalent of outdoor interior decorators.” I sheepishly tell her I thought she meant a business partner, not a … (I have trouble even using the term) “life partner”. “So what is that Dad, some sort of ‘80’s thing?” she asks. Ah, not quite…probably more like a ‘70’s thing, I mumble my response, suddenly feeling very old and weary.
My wife greets them outside and joins in the animated conceptualizing, spit-balling about this shrub and that tree; what color would work here this spring or what would work there next summer. My basic long term life vision is that I may not even be around next summer as I hear the ca-jing! of the cash register, standing there helplessly, desperately trying to keep up. Both of the “landscapers” are friendly enough, perhaps a little on the effeminate side with the mannerisms of middle aged women at their weekly bridge club. One is extremely fair-skinned, gray-headed and thick through the trunk and a little on the short side; the other a rangy, swarthy athletic appearing fellow with a nose that had more curves than a mountain switchback and a face like an old, well oiled catcher’s mitt.
They both spoke with an accent that at first I identified as western Virginia, which sounds very close to a Canadian accent, both having that tincture of Scots, making “around and about the house” sound both ways as “arroond ond aboot the hoose”. However, the first time I heard a sentence end with a distinct “Aye”, it was abundantly clear that these cats were Canadian. While the short one bore an odd resemblance in his countenance and voice to the old “Hockey Night in Canada” play by play announcer, Foster Hewitt, the other one also was strangely familiar as well.
I’m shaken from my musing when my wife asks “So, what do you think?” I, of course, have not been paying any attention to any of the discussion about this landscaping nonsense. I get ready with my standard …“if this is what you like…” response when it dawns on me that the athletic looking guy is a dead ringer for Johnny Bower, the old Toronto Maple Leaf goalie from the early ‘60’s.
I suddenly gag on the mental image of my childhood hero and Hall of Famer Johnny Bower bare-backing an old flaccid, fish-belly-white Foster Hewitt and I visibly shudder, trying to shake the thought out of my mind. “I’m sure you guys know what you’re doing, so I’ll just leave you to it…gotta go,” as I make my rudely quick exit, thankful to get out of there before my overly vivid imagination gets the better of me. Out of the corner of my eye I see my daughter laughing at my distress. Times are changing, and she tells me that I must work on my diversity skills, which are clearly not my strong suit. Just another item for the “Bucket List;” one more thing that I’ll probably never get around to doing.
Change and Hope. Clearly, I am uncomfortable with these modern conceptual pillars of cultural transubstantiation. All this advancing reverse collective catabolism rushing by gives me heartburn and leaves me questioning where this Brave New World is taking us. I don’t grasp the reason kids today suddenly want to be circus people as they desecrate themselves with body piercings and tattoos. I don’t understand the nasally sissified “Up-Speak” in common usage by America kids that is some form of shorthand English (where every utterance puts the accent on the last syllable, making even a declarative statement sound like a question and every other word is “like,” “all” or “goes” as in “…so I’m like ‘driving the car? So the dude in front like puts on the brakes?,’ and he goes … ‘what the f..k Chuck, like real loud?’ and then he flips me the bird ?... and I’m all, like , ‘what-ev-er!’ ”).
I’m uneasy and disturbed with the bastardization of the language at establishments like Starbucks where small is Tall and medium is Grande and seemingly intelligent people can memorize seven separate ingredients that go into a $6.00 specialty coffee but cannot tell you who their congressman is. I do not comprehend the doublespeak that refers to abortions as “reproductive rights” and illegal aliens as “un-documented Americans”. As the language continues to lose it’s meaning, we rapidly lose our ability to communicate on any meaningful level. Like the old ‘60’s radical Jerry Rubin said... "how can I say ‘I love you’ when the billboard says ‘my car loves Shell’." I despise state sanctioned gambling advertisements that tout Indian casinos and Lotto ticket sales that intentionally target the poorest and most ignorant elements of our society and end with some ridiculously phony anti-gambling addiction caveat-- (“…got a problem? Call 1-800-ADMIT IT.”) Rather like the corner crack dealer handing out an addiction warning with every rock he sells and claiming no responsibility for the lives ruined. Let the State sue and settle with the murderously vile cigarette companies for hundreds of millions of dollars….but keep their evil asses in business in order to continue receiving their annual settlement payout and, as a special bonus, maintain the ability to tax the hell out of them. I especially detest the hypocrisy that pretends that the State is not complicit, a partner in fact, in this immorally malevolent racket.
Getting colder? The “Global Warming” model that Al Gore promoted for two decades with such diligence and industry (and for which he won a Nobel Prize and has made millions) doesn’t quite fit? No problem; It’s the semantics, stupid. Simply call it “Climate Change,” which is such a magnificently malleable theory that it can be squeezed into virtually any set of facts. And the dummies out there are too ignorant to even understand the change in the nomenclature, much less appreciate the difference or come up with viable solutions.
Go ahead and let the local Orlando government sell the bonds to raise three-quarters of a billion (that’s BILLION with a “B”) bucks so some billionaire basketball owner can charge $125.00 per seat in his state-of-the-art facility…don’t even worry about the dirty faced malcontented kids who’re being indoctrinated in state run sub-standard educational gulags, going to class in leaky, broken down trailers and can barely read. Don’t be concerned about neglecting these youngsters now…but be mindful that these junior budding felons of the future will be the very same criminal rabble that will cut your throat outside that brand new auditorium for the $20.00 in your wallet.
These days I am a world weary Winston Smith, desperately trying to find a reason to love Big Brother while slouching into this inevitable New Age Orwellian Gomorrah. I am loath to admit that all this relentlessly evolutionary metamorphosis weighs on me and has gone way beyond my personal tipping point. My paranoia runs rampant and I am constantly on guard for all sorts of Bogeymen and conspiracies and things that go bump in the night.
And so we all pensively plod along our own personal path of perdition while we impersonally view the wreckage (human and otherwise), wondering what unforeseen and unexpected event each new day may bring. If nothing else, we are truly fulfilling the old Chinese curse that admonished “… may you live in interesting times” and, at the very least, the day-in-day-out monotony of life has ceased to be boring.
Oh well, I say Life is short…let’s drink the good whiskey now.
Until Next Time, I Remain,
Freddie Van
(a very wary warrior and still a child of god)








